How to Believe in a Flat Earth

Hey Friends,

Good morning to everyone, especially if you work at SpaceX and didn't trade your shares for Chili's gift cards. You're about to be a millionaire. For the rest of you, you'll be rich in babyback ribs and molten chocolate cake.

As you know, I'll have an honest conversation with anyone. For me, agreeing isn’t required to be friends. Even if we talk about the philosophy of toilet paper roll direction, I'll examine the topic and do my best to make sense of it. No matter what direction you choose, even if it's the wrong one, I'm still good for a cup of coffee next week.

I've had several conversations lately about some of the standard topics. We're talking about classic elevator conversations and the small talk at business networking events. Like absolute truth or biblical cosmology. I'm always one to dig in, but many will recoil at similar conversations.

We've all been there. It goes something like this. You're sitting awkwardly, waiting before a big meeting, a root canal, or on the sidelines of your kids' baseball game, and your neighbor turns to you to chat. "How about the weather? Pretty hot, huh?" "Did you see the Knicks game on Wednesday?" or "Say! Do you believe we are in a firmament enclosed reality, or do you buy the heliocentric model of the Earth?"

Your new friend is just trying to connect and break the silence, at least until he realizes you're on your phone. But he continues.

"So, what about ontology? Do you think that reality is objective, or is our account of metaphysical reality simply a provisional account of a pliable metaphysical world?"

Small talk is tricky. But it's a test. It's how someone identifies whether you are a member of their secret group, or otherwise, if there's a chance they can recruit you.

This is maybe the only point where reading an article on Yahoo! News about the Kardashians actually becomes preferable to something else. Your new friend doesn't pick up on this, which is why he would be better off getting a job as a weatherman so he can get paid to talk about something all of us find irritating, but we know we can't escape. At least you can mute a TV. Or change the channel.

But it's true that you'll get further in life if you can relate to people. So it would be smart to choose to believe. Even if you can't figure out how to make it make sense, believing regardless pays dividends. So, to help you further your life and career, I'm going to explain how you can become part of one of the most elite groups on this plane – actual flat-earthers. Let's go.

An Exclusive Group

We all need to make money, but to make the most money, it requires being part of a secret society. How many times have you heard talk of the Illuminati controlling daily life from the corridors of power? When you're in the group, the group looks out for you. Flat Earthing is a far more premier group, and there's definite appeal. Believing something that 99.9% of people reject puts you in one of the most elite groups in modern history, where only you and your kind have seen through the matrix. It makes your ordinary life into one of the few. And that is valuable. So the first step is to recognize that being one of the select few is better than being one of the default many.

One's Own Research

The next step is to do what most people refuse to do. And that is to do one's own research. In this case, you get to choose your sources. The fewer the better. In most cases, a single YouTube video or, even better, any ancient book that describes the cosmology as a four-cornered flat plane with a rigid dome over it. You won't even need math for this, but if you do, you won't need it all. Just enough to get you to the conclusion, which, by the way, is already stated very clearly in the YouTube video, so the partial math can be skipped.

It's important to note that the research phase is not to be diminished. Explain to people that you've been on a journey, and that people need to stop blindly believing the dribble they've been told by large, corrupt institutions like NASA, almost literally every University in the world, and Italian criminals on house arrest like Galileo. Do-it-yourself Epistemology is more reliable. Don't trust the cabal of deception. Step two is to trust your eyes, even if you wear glasses. For someone who feels condescended to by the experts, this is empowering.

Choose Your Sources

Even if it's true. This reality can't be random. Even though the "Big Bang" explains a tightly mathematical occurrence with exact measurements, that consistently match the measurements of the temperatures of the cosmic microwave background and fluctuations in the sky, the redshifts of distant galaxies as things move over time, the measurement of sound waves and acoustic oscillations in distant objects, and the radiometric dating of heavy elements, the photographic evidence from space travel and thet fact that it would be too fucking hard to fool this many poeple. There's no reason for you to fall prey to the network of lies. Deny it, and refer back to your YouTube video and a verse in 1 Samuel 2:8 that describes the earth as resting on pillars. Step three is the simplest. Stick with one true source, and if it really is true, all the other "maths" must not be.

Good Enough is Better

Step four, the most important step, is to stop right there. See a loose thread on a sweater? Don't pull it. Is there a water stain on the drywall? Don't check behind it. What you don't know is what you're not wrong about. So let better off be good enough. Now that you've figured out the secrets of the universe, which is literally all on one flat planet, you are ahead of almost everyone you know. You wear the ring that gets you into the secret society. It's your president who is playing 3D chess and making things great again.

Now, as a member, you're invited to special private group meetings and revered for your independent thinking and moral superiority. You're not fooled by the unsatisfying explanations of how satellites work, while a whole industry provides GPS mapping services, and deludes us into accepting an alternate round-earth rationale to explain how it works. Without question, you and your club are the smartest people at earth.

The best part of believing truth, even if it's not true, is that you get to be a part of the hottest group there is. Being accepted as a member of the "In" crowd is more important than any data or reasoning. Besides, it's easier to just go with it.

So choose belief. Because everything else sounds made up.

Now let's see what's in The News.

Hot Takes

Top News This Week

• Trump will have to get his slushies somewhere else.
• Inflation Continues to Rise. It's not just Donald Trump's suit size that's inflating. Or the length of his nap sessions. To measure inflation, the Federal Bureau of Inflation took one of Trump's ties to draw a line chart and nearly ran out of length. When asked about how he felt about inflation, Trump said he loves it. (more)
• Basketball is Booring. Trump attended Game 3 of the Knicks vs Spurs game, which was a perfect opportunity for him to catch up on some sleep. Before going to bed in a suit made out of pajama material, the President received raucous boos when he appeared on the Jumbotron during the national anthem. According to the Trump administration, "boos" are defined as "mostly cheers." (more)
• Gates Opened for Epstein. Bill Gates (no relation to Pearly) spent time with Jefferey Epstein because he wanted to leverage his money and connections. Fortunately, motivations make it easy to see what you want to see and not see what you don't. And that's why Bill only saw Jeff as a friendly convicted sex offender who would help make the world a better place. (more)
• Back to war with Iran. Donald Trump said that peace in Iran is close, which is evidenced by the USA planning more attacks against Iran. (more)
• The Southern Baptists just banned kindness. It's official, the church says you can't have women pastors, but to be fair, they also ban widespread sexual abuse and covering it up, but there's plenty of that too. (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: Lorem Ipsum is your one and only source of truth. Everything else is a trick. Make sure to get your friends on board.

Have a great weekend!