Maybe I'm Hiring?

Hey Friends,

Good morning to everyone except Scott Pelley, formerly of "60 Minutes."

The news show has changed its name to "Maybe About 24 Minutes" after 3 of its 7 correspondents were terminated, along with its executive producer and other key staff. This week, Pelley was fired after lashing out at his new boss at a team meeting.

But please don't feel sorry for anyone at or formerly at CBS. Feel sorry for me. For this has been a difficult time for me, as someone who is required to have an opinion about almost everything.

First, as someone who has fired people for berating their boss in front of teammates, I want to take the side of the show's new executive producer, Nick Bilton, who endured disparaging remarks in front of his new team on his first day. On the other hand, as someone who hasn't watched the show “60 Minutes” with the volume on for the last 15 years, I want to take Scott Pelley's side as yet another seasoned journalist out of a job. Where will he go next? The internet?

If it makes you feel better, I will, at minimum, give Scott a courtesy interview. Who knows? His next job may be writing Hot Takes for The Lorem Ipsum. A step up if you ask me.

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Top News This Week

• Trump will have to get his slushies somewhere else. The $1.8 billion fund to pay cast members of the January 6th insurrection, or other MAGA loyalists who were subject to litigation has been shut down. The Justice Department backed off from its goals for the fund. The shift came after several Republicans expressed outrage over the slush fund, leading some zoologists to suspect that some lawmakers may not be invertebrates. (more)
• Tariffs look better than your mom. As the most beautiful word in the dictionary, thanks to the flourish of a double 'F', "tariff" has become a regular part of everyday speech in the last two years. However, despite it's lovely flourish, we didn't know the doubles meant we would be "F'ed" twice. First, by being taxed substantially on all imports, but also by not getting that money back when a judge ruled it unlawful. The Trump administration is fighting the judges' demand to repay the tariffs as wordsmiths recommend changing the word's spelling to "taruff" because it sucks and contains "F"+"U". (more)
• John Bolton pleads guilty to having a broom-like mustache. While serving as national security advisor in the first Trump term, Bolton wrote down things in his personal notebook about his daily activities, and allegedly shared such information with two assailants whom he refers to as his "wife" and "daughter." He's now facing charges for taking notes and has agreed to plead guilty. Legal experts suggest that when sharing information about matters of national interest, instead of private notes, the accepted procedure is for intelligence staff to post national secrets on Signal groups with reporters included. However, sharing with family is strictly banned. (more)
• Musk has great SpaceXpectations. It pays to be a dweeb, and now you can too, as SpaceX prepares for an initial public offering in June. According to one source, the celebratory rockets erected in the lobby of the space travel company to celebrate the IPO may not be the only erection space nerds see this year, but it may be the only one that gets this much attention, as SpaceX's IPO is set to be the biggest ever. Investment advisors say that as SpaceX goes public, investors will either become richer than ever, just kind of rich, stay exactly the same, or lose everything, so it's pretty much a sure thing. (more)
• An Ebola outbreak in the Democratic Republic of Congo killed a priest, so unfortunately, now we know, literally no one is safe. (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is not going to chew anyone out in public. We save that for the privacy of your inbox. Invite a friend to feel respectfully challenged today!

Have a great weekend!