The American Blowout

Hey Friends,

Good morning to everyone who didn’t watch Trumps live nationwide address last night, which happened to be a rerun.

It is with great sadness that I share with you that Mitch McConnell is not great at photoshop. His team, whose primary job is to lie on his behalf, is also not great at creating a believable photo. His latest proof of life, aimed at making him look like he's at a picnic, drinking ice-cold sun tea from a hospital bed where his wife has joined him with her extra-long wrist, stretched out to be placed conveniently behind his back, is riling up internet sleuths who've made all sorts of claims about how fake the image looks.

The good news, Mitch McConnell is alive. At least until the August 3rd deadline, when Kentucky allows the Democratic Governor Andy Bashir to appoint his replacement.

Not alive this week is Lindsay Graham. The senator passed unexpectedly earlier this week, of a brief and sudden illness. Importantly, it's not the time to criticize someone, out of respect for the dead. Right now is not the time to talk about someone who may have debased themselves and surrendered every moral for a shred of recognition from and the opportunity to perform oral sex on one of the most corrupt people currently in the public eye. So for now, I offer my condolences to Lindsay's sister, his Chip ' n' Dale manboys, and to Melania Trump; for she may be more frequently interrupted from her time flaunting her pumps, in hopes of convincing her to come within less than an arm's length to provide salacious treats since Donald has one less piglet to tend to his pepperoni nipples.

Let's get to The News.

Danger Lurks from Behind

Debate erupts over the cause of the latest health scare.

This week, in breaking news, Americans are bursting with fear and trembling over a widespread affliction of explosive diarrhea from a disease known as Cyclospora. Experts blame salad greens and lettuce, which now make greens the most important thing to eat for your health, and simultaneously, the most perilous.

One of the most dangerous things you can do by choice is base jumping, followed by driving a motor vehicle. After that is leaving the house with a churning in your stomach. Routine flatulence could be the very reason you lose your job, your favorite pair of pants, and your dignity all at the same time.

It's the leading cause of death among things that are also the first choice topic over a camping trip, especially among 10-year-old boys and men over 50. Warriors share their battle scars. The rest of us, our skid marks and the moments we survived them. That's why this week's news is no joke.

In Michigan, where the outbreak is at its worst, the power company warned residents of brownouts. Public officials have advised citizens to walk with cheeks clenched, to avoid a major catastrophe.

Some experts blame the Trump Administration, after the CDC cut public health funding for the program that tracks foodborne illnesses like these. One expert warned that if Robert F Kennedy Jr himself were to contract the illness, his workout jeans would be in Jeopardy. A few wayward pumps could be the final push he needs to put an end to his chin-up days. The same experts are less concerned about Trump, who is believed to wear diapers, a staple of his daily uniform.

The CDC, for its part, says it is taking the matter seriously, calling it "job number 2." They explain that the situation is fluid. The department says in a statement that, despite the response to the outbreak resulting in a shitstorm, they have prepared a set of recommendations to support public health departments and medical professionals. The page highlights "watery diarrhea" as a leading symptom of Cyclospora, but offers the public no explanation of how to keep the liquid from leaking out of the small corners of their ziplock bags when collecting stool samples to provide to their medical professionals for testing.

The Trump administration relishes the shift in coverage. Despite the language resembling the way people describe President Trump's undertaking of the Iran war, and the execution of his immigration policies. The story shifts the narrative from the failure of the administration to fulfill its promises to a total blowout where the public is filling its pants.

Or maybe this is a gut check moment. Maybe the squirt heard 'round the world is symbolic. A reminder that a President who can't be trusted is like a fart of the same kind. And it's reaching a boiling point.

Bottoms up

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum comes out quick, but it comes out dry. For someone looking for dry humor in the inbox, share a copy of this issue.

Have a great weekend!