The Heat of the Inbox

Hey Friends,

If a newsletter could sweat, this one would be wetter than an ice-cold Coke can on a whores lap at her last call of the night.

When this week's issue hits your inbox, if you read from your phone, temps may hit near 100 degrees, and your scrolling hand will be stickier than your groping hand from the drizzle of your ice cream cone, so if this issue slips, know that I wish you a happy 4th. I understand if reading conditions are untenable. For now, pull the shades, remove a layer, and try to stay cool. If that means you're reading me naked, I'll try not to picture it.

The good news is you can probably take your phone in the pool if it helps. This time last year, I kept mine in my pocket as I jumped in, four feet deep, only to find out that everything was completely fine. I've washed my phone with the dishes ever since. So consider reading The Lorem Ipsum underwater. Rumor has it, it's even better, even if it's a little blurry.

This week, forecasts show a swath of red across the eastern half of the country, and a little scoop of this for you Canadians, where highs are pushed into the 35 to 40 degrees C range, which doesn't sound that bad to me, but it has Canadians concerned, although they're too polite to complain about it. I write this as a fly-in from Los Angeles, where jackets and sweaters were put to use, as if there's some sort of rip in the matrix, where cheese is good for you, and Indian curry food doesn't contribute to body odor that you can't decide whether to loathe or love.

If your air conditioner is keeping up with this heat wave, welcome to the middle class. As solidly as I am seated here with you, mine didn't without the extra love of a home service professional, one of the best, I might add, but fortunately, the only one in the house was a lonely mother-in-law, which was likely preserved longer thanks to the baking in the heat, which is known to kill bacteria, molds, toxins, and possibly judgmental comments. But we didn't want her to overcook, so we brought in our air-conditioning guy at the last minute.

As many of you know, the Trump administration has put an end to many of the initiatives aimed at reducing climate change, and some blame this week's weather on measures like increased use of fossil fuels, reduced emissions limits, and cutting investment in wind and solar programs. Over the last few days, the temperatures have been so hot in Washington that fact checkers have started grading Trump's comments about the USA being the "hottest country in the world" as "True"

According to reporters, Trump's Great American State Fair attendees were too hot to stand close enough to make the crowds look bigger for the cameras, where Fox News said "thousands" attended. According to one attendee, who admitted to their attendance on the condition of anonymity, the heat was so extreme that Caroline Leavitt's lips began leaking collagen.

The latest reports from the Trump administration's parks department say that the temps are so high, algae has taken a dip in the reflecting pool to cool off, causing the perfectly clear water to appear cloudy.

According to some White House staff members, the Presidential residence is so hot that the First Lady, Melania Trump, has demanded that the perimeter between her and the president be increased by another 10%, or another two feet.

In weather like this, heat deaths are no joke, as high temperatures can affect people with underlying health conditions, especially the elderly. Just yesterday, emergency medical services were dispatched to Republican Senator Mitch McConnell's house, on reports of someone found unconscious at his home. As of this writing, it hasn't been confirmed whether McConnell was the person receiving medical attention, but one source believes they may have direct knowledge of the incident. When asked how long the individual has been unconscious, the source said, "For the last three years."

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum stays cool, even when everything else is hot. Share some relief from the heat with your friends.

Have a great weekend!