The Second Return
A presidential second term focused on remaking the USA in his image.
Hey Everyone,
Good morning, and welcome to the latest issue of The Lorem Ipsum.
Growing up, we were always told Jesus would return, and that it could be any moment. This was no time to slumber, because it was a matter of (eternal) life or death.
Would he catch you smoking? Looking at a nudie mag? Using the free water cup to swipe some Mountain Dew? Cussing?
It's nothing to joke about.
I expected him to return every day. But I never expected it to be today. I especially didn't expect him to be a real estate developer who creates 250-foot monuments by simply speaking them into existence. I did expect the glowing mane, but it looks different in my head.
But this week, we've learned that Jesus is no longer a humble carpenter. Nay, he's the President of the United States, AKA the King of Kings. This new version of Jesus, Jehovah-Rapha, Hebrew for The Lord our Healer, has returned for a second term to demand we worship him and wage war against those who have rejected him.
Jesus changes everything. At least this particular one does. Who else could turn Marco Rubio from a traditional foreign policy hawk to an America First warrior, known as "Little Marco"?
Who else can meet the likes of JD Vance on his Appalachian version of the road to Damascus and change his heart from a staunch critic, warning America against him, to worshiping him and defending his comments against the blasphemy of the Pope?
Hell, even Mike Johnson has switched from Bible reading to blow jobs when his Majesty has time for him.
Somehow, this is what the world always needed: someone who was bold enough to set aside all virtues and defend God's chosen people, usually referred to as America. In the second coming, the anointed one takes orders from no one but Benjamin Netanyahu and Himself (Note: He reminds us to always capitalize the H in his chosen pronouns, He/Him).
He has brought us into a war by ending a 2015 agreement with Iran not to develop nuclear weapons. Now, after an attack, Iran has rescinded it's agrement, and now insists on the right to develop them.
He has increased the cost of oil and, in general, living by applying tariffs on as many imports as possible, supposedly to bring back old-world manufacturing jobs, even though they don't work and cost Americans.
He has alienated us from many of our allies and supply chain partners, ultimately handing the spoils over to China.
He has placed his image everywhere, from monuments to money, so if his damage to our economy or our place in the world doesn't last, his likeness will.
As any theologian knows, the return of the King is supposed to commence His 1,000-year reign here on Earth. To some, it's as good as heaven; to others, it feels like hell.
That's it for this week.
Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is not a deity, but some call it the Newsletter of Newsletters. If you believe, please share with a friend who needs to hear the good news.
Have a great weekend!
