Iran Out of Steam

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This week, the Trump administration reached a deal with Iran to end the war and begin a path toward a lasting piece. For those of you who think that's a typo, it's not. In this deal, Iran gains a big piece of the pie.

They intend to sign a fourteen-point memorandum of understanding or an M.O.U., which, by some close to the process, has been dubbed the Strait of HorM.O.U. I have access to an early draft of the plan, and I'll summarize all fourteen points here.

First and foremost, both sides are asked to read The Art of the Deal (again) to understand how to negotiate successfully. The book, written by Trump, outlines his strategy for making deals, which he's demonstrated time and again as President, and it's smart to include this in this agreement. Let's dive in.

1. Clear the Air — In this plan, everybody agrees to end military activity. Also, Iran has insisted that the ceasefire include three things.
   1. The end of Israel's attacks on Lebanon.
   2. Insisting that Kristi Noem stop shooting dogs.
   3. And that Mr. Trump cease dropping ass anytime he is near the Middle East, an occurrence which most experts have found to happen most during his public naps, which is sometimes referred to as "The First Nap".
2. Keep your hands to yourself —
   The agreement asks each side to respect each other’s territorial sovereignty, and if they would be so kind, not to kill one another's leaders. This is widely considered to be a brilliant move on Trump's part, as a master negotiator, because one of the best ways to achieve a successful negotiation is to not kill the person you are negotiating with, or be killed by them. It's a dynamic that many novice negotiators overlook, but they write whole books about this (see above mentioned book).
3. 60-day clock work “orange” — The deal establishes a timeline for the negotiations, which establishes a 60-day deadline to decide how long they will extend the timeline of negotiating their next deadline. It's a strict no exceptions agreement that exceptions will be made only by a designated time, unless both parties mutually or independently agree to an exception.
4. Stop the blocking — The U.S. pulls its Navy back from Iran’s coast within 30 days and clears out of the neighborhood after the final deal is completed, to make room for Iran to better implement its own blockade, but not in a mean way this time.
5. Free passage, but not too free — Iran promises safe, no-toll passage for ships through the Strait of Hormuz — but only for 60 days, after which, Iran can start charging for passage. Another page out of The Art of the Deal, to give your opponent more leverage, and when possible, money they can use to build up their arsenal to negotiate against you in the future.
6. A blank check — The U.S agrees to put together a $300 billion fund to rebuild Iran. This is better than the deal Obama made with Iran, which Trump criticizes for giving Iran $1.7 billion, because Trump is actually giving them 176 times that amount, based on his strategy to "think big," apparently even when you're losing. The deal suggests that other countries will be brought in to contribute to the fund, which is basically like giving them a blank check, except that the dollar amount line is not the part that is blank. It's the bottom where the account and routing number are.
7. Sanctions lifted — America agrees to drop all the sanctions against Iran, one of Trump's key goals in the war, to free the Iranians. However, in this case, it's freeing them from the USA, rather than from their own regime.
8. Play the oil card — As part of the dropping of sanctions, the US Treasury cuts all oil waivers right away so Iran can start selling crude oil, even before sanctions formally end, which Trump describes as "The Cards," which, in this deal, are all handed right back to Iran.
9. Frozen cash thaws — If talks go well, the USA is required to unfreeze Iran’s assets, amounting to about $24 billion, which the USA had previously frozen to limit their access to global commerce. It also asks that we give the Iranian's streaming access to most reality television (X-rated content in Iran), but that we don't give them access to trash podcasts like the "Call Her Daddy" podcast or anything from Barstool Sports, and if that is not possible as a carveout, that we at least ask Theo Vonn to get a decent haircut.
10. No nukes, wink! — Iran is asked not to build or buy any nukes if it is okay with that, but if not, not to post about it on social media if it does.
11. Destroy the stockpile of uranium powder or other powder as needed — Iran is required to take the yellow cake mix often used to make birthday cakes or war victory cakes and dilute it with lower-grade material like wheat flour or rice flour for its gluten-free friends or its friends from China who will be celebrating with them this summer.
12. Start enrichment talks when our schedules clear — The US and Iran agree to agree to something or determine the nature of their disagreements based on 47 years of not being able to agree on anything at all.
13. Freeze the borders — Iran is asked to cut its grass, but it is suggested that it doesn't cut beyond the current borders because when it does, it cuts the grass shorter than four inches, and that seems to invite weeds.
14. Stick to a clear sticking point — The two parties agree that the agreement only holds if they continue to agree, and if they don't agree, the agreement doesn't hold, and they will have to establish some sort of agreement.

The MOU doesn't go into the details of how rotten the eggs are that are on Trump's face, so we're standing by as details unfold.

That's it for this week.

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Have a great weekend!